I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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