is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
