No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
