If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
