How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
