Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
