Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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