I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Couch. On fire.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
