Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So squirting runs in the family.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
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