Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
it glows. i had to have it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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