if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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