i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
