Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
