Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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