I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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