From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
