I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
