So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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