she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
