we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
