so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
