Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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