This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I think my moral compass just broke
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
