Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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