We're facebook friends in real life
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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