repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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