so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Come share oat with me in your robe
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
