I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
