I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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