Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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