quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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