Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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