I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
