it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
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