It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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