I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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