Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
