In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
