my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We were destined to go to rehab together
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
