I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The air taste purple.
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