My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
