I am midnight drunk by noon
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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