I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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