how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
