I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
