I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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