if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
