if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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