i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
