She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
