New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
