im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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