dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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