You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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