dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You're like the curious george of whores
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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